Do your best! Then shhhhh.

This winter, Shelby’s soccer team played in an indoor league in Southlake just to keep up their physical activity and try to build on their skill level after playing together for one season.  And also just because they enjoy the sport and wanted to have fun.  After registering, their age level league did not “make” so they had to play a league up, with 7 and 8 year olds.  Looking back, this experience helped them tremendously but it was not always fun.  Besides being younger than them, the other teams in this indoor league was obviously just at a very high skill level.  Our girls never won a game.  They scored once or twice all season.  It was a wonderful learning experience for them and I think that continually being “beat” but continuing to do your best, game after game, is very character-building.  They kept up the practices and games, and put in all their effort, and there are benefits to reap from that experience.  They are playing so well and have a record of 2-0-1 for their first 3 games this season about at the outdoor spring league.  That first victory felt so good.

Now, this is a recreational league and I get that we are supposed to teach our children that it is about more than just winning.  And I think, after this winter, they have learned that.  But when they won their first game last weekend, they were so excited.  We all were.  Think about it- this is a group of girls and parents who have been to practice after practice and game after game for 4 months without even one win.  I never saw one negative comment or discouraged look from a girl, but I also never saw such huge smiles as this first win, an accomplishment they had worked toward for a LONG time.  4 months is a long time for 6 year olds (and the parents in the stands, too!) 

On top of it being their first win, it was Shelby’s first goal that game.  She scored for the first time after playing for over a year.  She was happy- and she should be.  So after the game, as we all congregated on the field to slap hands and say “good game,” Shelby was just overjoyed and from across the field I saw her jumping up and down, surrounded by her team and a conglomeration of parents, and just looking around for people to celebrate with.  Her sweaty little face had a smile from ear to ear I was so happy for her.  Her coach walked behind her and she turned around and said, “We won coach!!!”  … And then my heart broke a little bit.  He leaned down to her to her eye level and sternly told her that we do not say that and cannot celebrate like that.  Her sweet little face turned from joy to a look of complete shame in one second flat.  There goes a little piece of innocence from my baby…I saw it leave her.  She was in trouble for being excited about all their hard work paying off.  And in that instant I wondered- just what are we teaching our kids these days? 

Now, I do not blame the coach for this at all.  It is his job to make sure that the girls show good sportsmanship, and he felt that what she was saying might hurt the feelings of the girls on the other team.   I actually think that most adults these days would have a similar reaction....so this is definitely not about the coach.  We love him!  But still, when did it come to this?  This place where we, as society, have become so politically correct that we have to teach our kids to DO THEIR BEST and PRESS ON and that YOU CAN DO ANYTHING if you just put your mind to it- “If at first you don’t succeed, TRY TRY again!”  …but when they finally do meet their goal… “Shhhh, be quiet about it.  You don’t want to hurt any feelings.”  I mean, come on!  Life has victories and life has failures for ALL of us.  Are we really teaching our kids anything by making sure that when they DON’T come out on top, they don’t have to watch the joy of those who did?  We are all in the same boat- we all have wins and losses every single day.  Wouldn’t it be easier on all of us to all-together celebrate the wins?  Personally, I am pretty sure that I’d rather see any child caught up in that moment of joy, jumping up and down and proud of her hard work that day, than to watch her keep her mouth closed, silently wondering if she should be ashamed of the joy she feels…even if that child is on a team that scored more than my child’s team.

I don’t know the best answer to this, and maybe no one does.  There’s got to be a happy medium.  A fine line.  I haven’t talked to Shelby about it yet, but I want to tell her that I am okay with her celebrating her successes, because I am proud of her and she should be too.  She will learn where that fine line is between celebrating and hurting others’ feelings by “rubbing it in”…but I also want her to learn that she can and should be proud of her hard work, and that we are proud of her too, and will always be there to celebrate with her.  I believe that a child should know this.  And they should also know that when they lose, they can be bummed about it, but can recognize that it is someone else’s turn to celebrate.  We can even learn to be happy for others in their time of success.  Humility.  Compassion.  Joy.  Celebration.  I think experiencing a combination of all of these would make us all better people.